Vincit qui patitur

31 01 2011

And, at last, the magic auxiliar princess snapped her french-manicured fingers, and – poof!– in a puff of brilliant rainbow smoke, absolutely everything was resolved. Her adoring public was fully aware of the enormity of her slew of trials/tribulations/quests/slaying-of-dragons, and immediately forgave her the brief lapse in verbal communication. For, in their collective heart of hearts, they knew she carried a little bit of each of them with her always, akin to a beautiful golden charm necklace strung thickly with love, gleaming pearls, and bits of coral from all seven seas.


Oh, non-magical-Far-Away-Land audience, how may I placate thee? For amongst your mongering hoards lies one particularly insistent, fastidious clamorer: she goes by the name of Inner Monologue, and she’s a tricky bitch to satisfy. She seems obsessed with motion, specifically, my own through space and time, and never tires of nipping at my heels with the most stinging whelps of questions – “But why? To what end? From whence have you come, and where exactly is it that you think you are going? …… eh, princess?

….. shhhhhhh. If you don’t speak a little more softly, you might miss it.


So I’ve decided to stay in Madrid another year. BAM. My coordinator’s been out the past week on personal leave, but I should be able to catch her tomorrow and declare my intentions to renew my contract. I’ll be staying at José Luis Sampedro – that’s part of the bargain, and I wouldn’t have it any other way – and will be working officially for the Comunidad de Madrid (not Fulbright). I earn just a smidgen less, which I plan on making up through teaching weekly clases particulares, and I plan to continue living with the same folks – Hector and Marta – assuming they too choose to stick around.

I waffled on this decision for a spell, unsure if staying equated to stagnancy. But even my Inner Monologue Mistress knows that one’s time is absolutely dependent on what one makes of it.

Me, I have big plans. Things I’ve wanted to do since coming to Madrid that have yet to be realized (finding a darkroom I can play in), things that are on the cusp of beginning (a massive mural project, studying German), things that come up unexpectedly all the time just waiting for me to sign up for the ride (Florence?). I continue to do freelance projects for InMadrid magazine; the January issue holds a guide I sketched out of my home barrio of Atocha, and up-to-bat is a series of articles regarding Madrid’s international ingredient scene. Fulbright’s offered to pay for a Photoshop course; now I just need to hurry up and find one that appeals.


After a month in a state of limbo, much too far away from the creation process, what I want most now is to delve back into honing my various arts, in valuing production over consumption, in being once again impressed by my own output. I am happiest when I write like a madwoman, when I use photography to play with perspective, when I stretch my technical knowledge to edit my photos into a vision of superreality previously existing only within the realm of my imagination. I find that the more I externalize all the bits and bobbles floating around in my headspace, the more complicated and compelling patterns they form the next time I look.

So, I stay. I like it here. Madrid is an excellent setting for me at this stage of my development, and I’m definitely the one mixing up the chemicals. A light leak or two might cause unexpected distortions in the anticipated image, but the magic of the darkroom lies in the ample opportunities for error. There’s no saying I can’t get back out there and shoot another roll.


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7 responses

1 02 2011
Rich

Love your writing. “…the more I externalize all the bits and bobbles floating around in my headspace, the more complicated and compelling patterns they form the next time I look.” I am very happy to see you posting! Is the 3rd photo one of Alex?

1 02 2011
contomates

haha, could be i suppose! found it online, though. glad you dig the update; felt amazing to publish something again.

1 02 2011
linda

So glad you are back to writing again. BAM! Looks like a lot of pent-up creativity to me. . .

1 02 2011
contomates

yeah, in some ways it felt like coughing up a hairball. i am a writer because of all the beautiful imagery i string together.

2 02 2011
Janet

What a fabulous decision. I can’t help but believe you belong in Spain and you’ll definitely not stagnate during your second year. Looking forward to reading more (I’ve looked several times and been disappointed that you’ve been silent) and seeing you in April in YOUR world!

2 02 2011
Alice

We hope you enjoy another year in Spain. You’ve done so much there already.

19 02 2012
Intentionality, Illusion, and Turning Down The Contrast « con tomates

[…] old “From whence have you come, and where exactly is it that you think you are going?” self/princess-flagellation? Am I pleased with where I am with regards to a year ago, to two years ago, three? Where will I be […]

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